On Line Dating Deal Breakers

After having several friends, and friends of friends, and brothers of friends, and passing acquaintances regale me with their personal triumphs in the world of cyber love, I've finally put my giant ego aside, and taken the plunge into on line dating.

Yes, sort of gone is my previous notion that only losers and desperate fuglies pay $20 a month to be set up with perfect strangers. After all, if I'm a member, surely there must be someone else of equal quality roaming the endless supply of profiles in search of THE ONE. In the meantime, I've become quite expert at weeding out the misfits, miscreants, and miserly misogynists with swift aplomb. Here are my on line dating deal breakers:

* Guys with eye patches.

* Guys who have their shirt off in 50% or more of their photos. Yes I get it. You have a 6 pack. But can your washboard abs hold a conversation, pay the mortgage, and do the laundry? Next...

* Dudes who have no children but make sure to include at least one photo of them holding somebody else's baby. Simply stating you WANT children is enough. I don't need photographic evidence.

* No profile photo. Just what are you hiding, anyway? I'm gonna HAVE to see you at some point - might as well get it over with now. And if you think filling out your album with sunsets, dogs and a photo essay of that biking trip you took through Tuscany last year will suffice, you've got another thing coming. I've only rifled through that bore fest to see if there's any photographic evidence of YOU. If not, enjoy your continued existence as the Invisible Man.

* The "Lonely" guy. Yeah. Sign me up for that one. Please. I want nothing more than to fill the empty void that is your life.

* Right Wingers who hit me up even though my profile clearly says no Republicans. I believe in gay marriage, pro-choice and strongly support the Arizona immigration embargo. Still wanna take me home to mom?

* The geriatric contingency. Despite stating that my preferred ceiling age is 45, getting "Winks" and emails from the 65 plus set is understandably annoying. I get what's in it for you. Can't say the reverse is quite as clear. And I refuse to hear the "Charlie Chaplin had kids when he was 70" argument. Call me crazy but I'd like to think the father of my children won't be sharing the diaper supply with our off spring.

* The perpetual "Winker". You "wink". I "wink" back. You "wink" again. I begrudgingly "wink" back one final time, hoping you'll elevate things to an email. You opt for the "winking" trifecta. I block you. Twat.

* Bad grammar/spelling, etc. Call me an asshole but if you can't discern between THEIR/THERE/THEY'RE, think the concept of punctuation is for perfectionists, and possess inferior spelling skills to an 8 year old Eastern European immigrant, I suggest you move on. If I'm questioning your ability to fill out a check properly, me thinks this does not a good match make.

* The out-of-the-gate flirt. At least call me once on the phone before you start asking me what I'm wearing for Christ's sakes.