I was hoping I would run out of items after the first, West Coast installment. But no, New York has offered up some new and dare I say, improved viral pecadillos.
(1) "Mr. Wink, Wink, Nudge, Nudge." If you cite possessing an "open mind" and seek the same in your ideal date, know that I'm on to your veiled code for "I want to have threesomes with guys and girls and do all sorts of weird stuff like pee on you." NOT - GOING - TO - HAPPEN.
(2) "Out of State Nate". My profile clearly states I am looking for someone "WITHIN 10 MILES OF NEW YORK CITY." Georgia, Florida, Texas, Arizona and (today's 'tard), San Diego do not qualify. Me with my 10th grade education should not be pointing out anything you can find in a high school text book. Like basic geography.
(3) "The Chubster". If your profile photo reminds me of a sumo wrestling, pie eating champion, citing "average build" on your profile isn't going to convince me you aren't a regular at your local all-you-an-eat buffet. See, the two holes in my face allow me to VISUALLY ASSESS THINGS. By all means, write what you want. The jig is up.
(4) "I'm ready for my close up. Not." If the only profile photo you post is shot with a lens longer than a schooner, I'm guessing you have skin like Edward James Olmos, or a belly that turns corners five seconds before the rest of you does. Women are way more forgiving than men when it comes to looks, and here's a tip; if you own your lack of physical prowess, and embrace things like humor, intelligence, and chivalry, we might just overlook your weird rib cage and unruly eyebrows.
(5) "Talky McTalkerson". Hey asshole, whilst on a date, try asking me something about myself instead of rambling on like Rainman on stimulants. While it would be nice to land a fancy hedge fund manager, I'm not interested in the historical, minutae of how you structured your latest venture. I know you're trying to impress, but when I rush the waiter to bring me my third espresso in as many minutes, you might want to take the hint that I'm about to fall asleep. And I obviously don't care about my breath anymore which should further clue you in to the fact that something has gone awfully wrong - namely your mouth!
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